ACEs – No one in your family…
Did you often or very often feel that … No one in your family loved you or thought you were important or special? or Your family didn’t look out for each other, feel close to each other, or support each other?
This question is one that many will ponder for a moment before answering. Perhaps, if you and your siblings were asked – the answers would vary when speaking of the same family. Each person’s perspective has a lot to do with how their parents/guardians/siblings related to them within the family system.
Over the years, I have heard of situations that made people feel heartbroken because they felt left out of a special moment, neglected, or even flat out told they didn’t fit or belong. Almost always the root cause is something that happened during their childhood within the family structure.
My mother had one child – ME. I was raised alone. My biological father had kids by other women, but I was not in touch with him or my siblings as a child. I often longed for my ‘real’ father. I guess, I believed that he would do better by me than my stepfathers had done. I craved genuine love and protection. My mother was incapable of giving me that; because she never received it.
Mother was dealing with a host of issues herself. I imagine her ACEs score would be pretty high. It is important to note that ACEs can be a generational thing. If your parents had issues, often it stemmed from their childhood. This is why it is important to break the cycle with your own children.
My mother wasted no words with me. She was a strict disciplinarian. If I were punished for my behavior, there was never an after-speech that explained how much it hurt her to have to discipline me. It wasn’t her style.
Although she drank alcohol daily, especially in my formative years, she made sure the house was clean, proper meals were cooked, and I had what I needed for school. In fact, she would be considered pretty close to perfect if it weren’t for the men she chose and the fact that she was incapable of outwardly expressing love.
Because I always felt like a burden, I asked my mother if she ever loved me. She responded, “What is love? Does it exist? What does that look like? No one ever showed that to me.”
My answer to questions #4 is YES.