ACEs Family Motivation MyTruth365

My Truth 365_70 – I Tried To Be Silent…

As a mother, I only know to express love to my son. Even if he disappoints me, I still love him dearly.
Courtesy of Pixabay

In the post, My Truth 365_69, I declared that I am not going to be silent. This morning while driving to work, I was trying my hardest to be silent. Why? I was in a conversation with my mother. She is typically the most negative person I speak to on the planet – but she’s my mother.

I go for days and even years without speaking to her until that voice in my head starts haunting me with “You only have one mother. You will miss her when she’s gone. She had a tough childhood. She doesn’t know how to show love. She has issues…”

It is no secret that she and I have had a difficult time getting along. I have tried so many different ways to make it work.

This morning, my mother decided that she would help me by pointing out my flaws – just because she was in that mode. She kept saying over and over, “What is wrong with you?”

Each time she asked the question, I would ask myself what is right with me in an effort to cure how I was feeling. The self-talk wasn’t enough. Memories from my childhood were flashing in my mind. I was being scolded about something that happened years ago and for no apparent reason.

To say that I was blindsided in this perfectly peaceful conversation is an understatement! Huh? What just happened? Those were my thoughts. So, my inner dialog was keep silent, do not make it worse. I listened to her recount her perspective on my bad choices and how she will go to her grave thinking about how I have treated her.

As a mother, I only know to express love to my son. Even if he disappoints me, I still love him dearly. I consider his feelings and we work through whatever it is at the moment. I especially learned to be this way with him because I did not want him to feel like I did as a child or young adult.

I really tried to be silent…I couldn’t do it.

I asked her, “Do you think this is a good time to have this conversation as I head to work to teach children?”

Next, my words were, “Why can’t you just love me?”

Although I asked that question in the present, it was rooted in the past. The little girl I used to be many years ago asked that question all the time. Just not in my mother’s presence.

Instead of answering my question, she hung up.

Now, once again, we aren’t speaking… I really do not get it.

13 comments

  1. Oh, darlin. Want some company? Go to “Timeless Classics” and dial up “mother of mine.”

    My daughter despises me as well, and lays the humiliation on just as quickly and thickly as possible when I come around. Both of my blood grandchildren are affected.

    You know — we work, people like you and I, work and work on ourselves to make ourselves the best we can be. We can hardly be surprised to find ourselves, in those particular ways, ahead of the general herd.

    It’s not a matter of ego, and it’s no place for false modesty. If we’d spent that much time, focus and energy on any other area of expertise we’d have multiple doctorates! If we find that we love more than most it would be false to deny it…

    How familiar I am with the cycle of outreach you mention — and how sanctioned and encouraged it is by society at large!

    But, darlin’, truly — let her be the one with the nagging voice that says she ought to reach out before it’s “too late” (which, when we stop to think about it, clearly it never is, right? Like, never — a little change like death notwithstanding.)

    Go ahead and relax into forgetting about her — as she clearly does you (except to complain about you behind your back, I’ll bet). Just because that brick wall has the word “Mama” scrawled on it doesn’t mean you’re supposed to keep bangin’… ๐Ÿ˜Œ

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Oh yes! Behind my back to whom ever will listen. Once again Iโ€™m in this space that feels so strange. I just want to be loved and to show love in return. Iโ€™ve accepted reality. Iโ€™m okay. Thank you for caring and sharing your thoughts. ๐Ÿ™๐Ÿพ๐Ÿ’œ

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      1. Itโ€™s heartwarming to know that there are good people that care about others in this world. I appreciate your kind words Ana and so glad we connected. I hope and pray your situation continues to improve and you are blessed with all you need. Love you too!

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  2. I feel for you Davina, but remember – this is very likely rooted in your mother’s insecurities/baggage than having anything to do with you – don’t let this hurtful situation steal your joy – love comes to you from many sources, God bless x

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Cheryl, on this day and in this moment I needed your message. There is a divine purpose in your timing. Yesterday was Momโ€™s Birthday and Motherโ€™s Day is tomorrow. I awoke thinking about our relationship. I did call for the first time since my post to wish her a happy birthday. She was clearly excited to hear from me and update me on her life. Tomorrow is Motherโ€™s Day… Thank you ๐Ÿ’œ

      Liked by 1 person

      1. You are very welcome!!! I forgot it was Mother’s Day….(in the UK it’s in March), and your mum’s birthday yesterday is interesting timing indeed, I call it a God Wink – There’s a little book called ‘When God Winks’ which basically tells us there is no such thing as coincidence, instead (when left in God’s hands) it is God winking at us, working things to our benefit, reminding us he is with us!! I hope tomorrow is a pleasant day for both of you Davina and may God keep on winking at you! ๐Ÿ”†๐Ÿ’›

        Liked by 1 person

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