In the post, My Truth 365_69, I declared that I am not going to be silent. This morning while driving to work, I was trying my hardest to be silent. Why? I was in a conversation with my mother. She is typically the most negative person I speak to on the planet – but she’s my mother.
I go for days and even years without speaking to her until that voice in my head starts haunting me with “You only have one mother. You will miss her when she’s gone. She had a tough childhood. She doesn’t know how to show love. She has issues…”
It is no secret that she and I have had a difficult time getting along. I have tried so many different ways to make it work.
This morning, my mother decided that she would help me by pointing out my flaws – just because she was in that mode. She kept saying over and over, “What is wrong with you?”
Each time she asked the question, I would ask myself what is right with me in an effort to cure how I was feeling. The self-talk wasn’t enough. Memories from my childhood were flashing in my mind. I was being scolded about something that happened years ago and for no apparent reason.
To say that I was blindsided in this perfectly peaceful conversation is an understatement! Huh? What just happened? Those were my thoughts. So, my inner dialog was keep silent, do not make it worse. I listened to her recount her perspective on my bad choices and how she will go to her grave thinking about how I have treated her.
As a mother, I only know to express love to my son. Even if he disappoints me, I still love him dearly. I consider his feelings and we work through whatever it is at the moment. I especially learned to be this way with him because I did not want him to feel like I did as a child or young adult.
I really tried to be silent…I couldn’t do it.
I asked her, “Do you think this is a good time to have this conversation as I head to work to teach children?”
Next, my words were, “Why can’t you just love me?”
Although I asked that question in the present, it was rooted in the past. The little girl I used to be many years ago asked that question all the time. Just not in my mother’s presence.
Instead of answering my question, she hung up.
Now, once again, we aren’t speaking… I really do not get it.